Grief

I don’t know much about grief.  I wonder how it feels?  I lost my Granny Mae in 1996 right at Christmastime.  She was 82 and had Alzheimer's and I knew she was ready for heaven. 

Somehow losing my mother-in-law seems harder.  I think maybe it’s because it was sudden and she was only 68 years old.  I find myself okay one minute and the next I have this feeling of emptiness.  I have known her for 28 years this month.  I have feelings of guilt for not seeing her as much as I should have.  I know she wouldn’t want that.  She realized that we all have busy lives with work and grandbabies.  But this grief I’m feeling makes me feel like I could have done more, visited more, loved more.  She taught my husband how to love.  He has passed that gift down to our children.  He has loved me for a long time with no conditions.  What a wonderful gift she gave her children.  I can’t say enough about what a great, inspirational lady she was.  I know she wasn’t scared.  I know she was ready.  I know she loved our Lord.  But this grief, I don’t know how long it will be around. 

My daughter April and her husband, Brandon are on a plane right now on their way to Korea to bring home our 5th and 6th grandbabies!  I can’t stop thinking about them not ever being able to meet their Nana.  It’s heartbreaking!  My heart is broken because I won’t get to play scrabble or canasta or go on a road trip with her ever again.  I am trying to be strong.  I feel like I could just break down at any moment.  And then I have times where I feel like I am doing just fine.  I am guessing this is all a part of grieving.  Well, I don’t like it. 

We have been cleaning out her apartment this week and this task seems harder than planning her memorial.  I went to get her dirty clothes hamper and looked in it and all it had in it was her complete outfit from that morning.  Bra, panties, pants and shirt.  That was hard!! I find so many pictures that proves how much she loved her family.  There are A LOT of pictures.  She loved pictures and she loved taking pictures.  She loved to read and she taught me to love reading.  My very first and very favorite book to this day is, Carolina Moon by Nora Roberts.  I remember she gave me the book when we had went to visit her when she lived in Georgia.  I haven’t read a book since that I love more. 

I am just rambling along but I thought if I wrote down how I was feeling it would help.  It hasn’t yet but of course tonight in 35 minutes it will be one week that she has been gone from us.  I loved her and she was loved by many!! I miss her and she will be missed by many!